I often conceal my weirdness, but any semblance of normalcy disappears when I listen to the internal dialogue inside my head. My inner monologue chatters incessantly most of the time, and it’s something that I just assumed everyone did. I realized recently that my childhood loneliness made me fast friends with my inner self. I don’t know how unusual this is. Still, I frequently speak to myself at length within my mind, often trying to figure out how to solve issues without openly discussing everything with others.

This approach is helpful, and I can speak about issues at length because that’s how I work through it. As someone who can’t afford therapy and often must figure things out independently, it has been my way of dealing with everything. As a child, I sometimes felt like I wasn’t allowed to express my feelings about issues, and I think it was a coping mechanism I learned very early on. I could remain entirely within my little world, and I developed daydreams and internal conversations with myself to survive.

My mom did her best and insulated us to the best of her ability. She raised my brother and me independently; he and I often marvel at how she did it. I have zero doubt being a parent is one of the most challenging jobs in the world, but I’m also positive that my mother endured immense trauma in her early years, some of which she had inherited from her parents, and I know life wasn’t easy for her. I can’t even begin to imagine how she dealt with her many life hardships and the experiences her mother and father went through in their own lives.

The world is becoming a gentler place. From a historical context, it’s hard to fathom how different we experience things now versus centuries ago, but we are progressing to a gentler way of being. There are exceptions to every rule, but even the simple fact that public executions are no longer something you take the wife and kids to or the fact that we don’t witness gladiators fighting to the death in colosseums anymore is an indication of that reality. There is much less brutality and much more self-reflection now than there has ever been.

Do I think my maternal grandfather, fresh out of serving in World War II, would have focused a lot of time and attention on being bullied, and what kind of ramifications hurt feelings had on those he interacted with? Hell no. I’m sure he sees things differently today and maybe sees value on the other side, but I also know he wasn’t afforded the time. The ability to navigate those emotions when he dealt with the trauma of watching his best friends die in a war and had to go on living after that and support a family of 5 children.

Wars continue to rage when so many of us wish they didn’t. I feel that, on average, people are afforded the ability to be gentler with one another now more than ever before, and use the examples of the rise of veganism, the recognition of the Black Lives Matter movement, Trans visibility, and the legalization of gay marriage to help make my case that we are heading in the right direction. At the very least, we are beginning to allow people to live their lives more openly without fear of repercussions.

I am so grateful that I live during a time when immense generational trauma and family karma seem to be more on the forefront and that we as a planet have become more self-aware of where our shortfalls stem from. Even though recognizing that healing needs to take place, taking steps toward emotional healing is often extremely difficult. There are so many systems in place and unspoken rules within family dynamics that make it difficult to transcend all the learned behaviours and coping mechanisms we have developed and internalized as we have made our way through life.

Some of my feelings about otherness stem from only interacting with my mom’s side of the family. My father couldn’t be a father and struggled with his demons. He just wasn’t there in the way either of us probably wanted. He wasn’t a paternal figure in my life, and I have immense empathy for what he’s been through. I’ve never considered him my “actual” father since I never felt I could rely on him.

I remember I travelled across the country to see my grandmother when she was close to the end of her life and began making her journey home. I remember sitting in her hospital room surrounded by her loved ones, and I recognized so much of myself in these people I didn’t know. It was so interesting because I always felt half adopted growing up, just because I didn’t see that aspect of who I was, and there was some solace in those moments. I have consistently recognized specific quirks, personality traits, and interests I didn’t realize were genetic. I felt privileged to see aspects of myself reflected in other people who didn’t know anything about me other than who my grandmother was. 

My father is Irish Catholic, and I feel like I inherited some of the traits associated with that culture without ever interacting with it. My father struggled through life, and I became keenly aware of nature versus nurture when I met his family members. I also wondered about what kind of inherited karma we gain through our genetics and how impactful DNA is on a subtle level.

My love of films and ability to thrive at trivia games has been inherited from that side of the family. I recognized some genetic predispositions, too, and wondered about the notion of “Catholic guilt.” When I was 20 years old, I visited a psychic and was told that I had inherited Catholic guilt even though I hadn’t been raised Catholic. I passed it off like it was silly to say until I interacted with these people who were effectively strangers. I was not raised with religion and spent little time in the Catholic Church. While spending time with these people who were genetically my relatives but knew nothing of my life, I realized they had similar ways of expressing themselves and had similar creative leanings. It just made me wonder how deeply connected we are on a genetic level.

Nobody is perfect in life—thank fuck! It would be super annoying if that were the case. Still, I think there’s something to be said about the idea of recognizing how issues have been inherited and how much things often get swept under the rug, or we feel the need to continue specific cycles or patterns because somewhere along the line, we were told it was better to continue doing what has always been done rather than charting a new course because it seems too difficult to change.

As I’ve grown older, I feel more at ease with who I am and see the value I offer. I realize I possess many inherited beliefs that I would like to question a bit more. In terms of being told what is true versus what feels right to me, my hope is that I continue to develop as a human that I continually strive to heal in every way I can.

I think the more we work through our traumas, shed light on the darkness and help others through their processes, the more we can free ourselves of those layers, the weight we’ve picked up along the way, and all those things we were told to carry that were not ours to carry in the first place.

So that we can fully embrace the “weird” and not worry so much about how it’s interpreted and how we are perceived because, ultimately, it’s so much more affirming to be who you are and do that rather than try to appease people that aren’t even worth it in the first place. Life is way too short to focus on trivialities like that, and I think a lot of it stems from just working through the things we inherited and sifting through what works for us and what doesn’t anymore.

Most of the things we’re told to continue doing are done in the guise of, “Well, that’s what works,” but there are a lot of institutions in this world, and many things don’t work that well. Sometimes, it’s good to have a fresh perspective on everything and question the nature of specific institutions. I think it’s essential for growth on an individual level and for society to continually challenge frameworks and adjust the lens through which we see our realities because that is where the magic happens and how progress and innovation are made. We don’t evolve as individuals without questioning our current existence and shared history, which is part of why knowing about our past in a social sense is essential, but also knowing where we came from helps us understand who we are and where we are going.