life

Chapter Twenty-two: Self-Acceptance

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I think sometimes I had this notion in my mind that once the bathroom scale flashed a certain number, or if I could shop in specific stores, or if my dress size met the standard of beauty that was “bestowed” upon me, I might finally be viewed as worthy enough. Worthy of what? I’m not entirely sure, but there is always a part of me that felt like once those pieces of me were perfect, I would feel whole.

When letting go of weight or losing weight, I guess it depends on whether it comes back—either way, it didn’t change how I felt about myself. Once I lost 80 pounds, I could look in the mirror and think, “It’s just one less thing I have to worry about on top of a long list of other things I stress over.” Still, suddenly, I dealt with getting attention from many people who viewed me as something I didn’t see myself as, and I felt entirely uncomfortable because I hadn’t healed emotionally.

I thought my issue was the weight itself when it was just a symptom of me trying to keep people at arm’s length, and when that was taken away, I was suddenly left with the realization that I didn’t have that protective barrier anymore. Eventually, the weight returned, and I could isolate myself from the world and essentially lose myself in my sadness, which I succeeded at doing for quite some time.

The problem was never the weight. The issue stemmed from being taught untruths about myself and that I lacked value because people in the world deemed my appearance less than theirs, and I could never see myself accurately due to those early wounds. There are probably some issues with body dysmorphia because I remember moving out of the way on the bus while I was with a friend, and she commented that I seemed to think that I took up more space than I did.

I just felt like every person who hit on me during that period of my life was fooled by some mirage that they couldn’t quite see through, and I was terrified of letting them in out of fear they would be disappointed if they saw me for who I was. So, I stayed away and didn’t date since dating sucks, and I had major fears about intimacy. My hair started to fall out eventually, which was brutal and did a number on my egoic self. I hope I can regain that in my heart someday, but I know I will be okay no matter what.

I eventually shaved my head, providing more peace than I had anticipated. I know objectively, other people may not understand and see it as a mistake because I looked less attractive afterwards. Still, it wasn’t a choice based on desirability but rather one of necessity. In my mind, it had become like a diseased limb that needed to be removed to move forward with my life, and its removal from my body signified an end to dwelling on the things I could not change.

In all honesty, I genuinely like who I am as a person, and I love so many of my qualities. Whether I meet a specific beauty standard has no bearing on how I feel about who I am as a person. Beauty is subjective, and although there are many universally attractive people in the world, I will not argue against this fact. Still, something must be said about the entire picture of a person and whether that person makes you feel happy and safe.

Falling in love helps let us see ourselves from a different vantage point, and falling in love with yourself is one of the best things you can do because you start to realize how valuable you are and what you bring to the table.  I could change every aspect of my personality and physical appearance, and the person I’m trying to impress might leave anyway, and then what am I left with? I feel like I’ve lost pieces of myself and wound up alone, regardless.

I’m unsure of how universal these feelings are; perhaps others might not relate to these thoughts, but love has always been elusive. For some reason, I have wrapped up so much of my self-acceptance into romantic relationships. When it always comes back to loving yourself first. If you don’t love yourself first, you might wind up not appreciating your love, or you’ll find someone who doesn’t enjoy the love you have to offer. So, you should take time and find the beauty within yourself to see that beauty in other people.

Sometimes, it just takes one person to transmute our self-image and make us realize those parts of ourselves that we find shameful and unlovable are non-issues. You feel more at ease and perfect despite your incredibly imperfect. These interactions can help, but no matter what, it always comes from loving who you are on the inside and realizing that you are worthy. And I strongly recommend repeating these affirmations to yourself: I am worthy of love. I am worthy of devotion. I am deserving of respect. I am a good friend, and people enjoy my company. And I am worthy of relationships where I feel at ease with myself.

Because we are not meant to spend our days in the company of others who merely tolerate us, and if you find yourself in group situations where you feel that way, it’s always good practice to find new friends. It’s not worth your self-respect and time to be around people who make you think you’re undeserving of being in their presence.

Just remember that the more you recognize those pieces of yourself that are part of why you are incredible and marvel at your uniqueness, the better off you are, and the better off the rest of the world is because you don’t know what kind of impact you can have on someone else’s life. Because keeping yourself small and hidden away from the world isn’t the way to make a difference in the lives of others.

Remember that there is a reason for being here, and you’re just as important as anyone else. Take some time to be gentle with yourself and find the light within. You are so beautiful, my friend, and that beauty has nothing to do with the colour of your hair and how expensive your clothes are. It’s about remembering your divinity and realizing all the beautiful things that make you—you! I wish nothing but the best for you and hope this book finds you well.

Chapter Eighteen: Pearls of Wisdom

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There is no such thing as a coincidence—that is a fallacy, and when you begin to see the intricate play of situations that make up your life, you will start to see more synchronicities. There will be times when you are in alignment, and you notice things taking place in your life that leave zero shred of doubt as to what direction you should follow and what choices you should make.

A few years ago, while waiting for a bus on my way to work, I was working as a temp in a car dealership, hating every moment, and I remember one day, I was oblivious to everything happening around me. I had my earbuds in and the hood of my winter jacket up, and I was trying to keep warm before I could get on my third bus that morning. Suddenly, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder, and I looked up and saw a young, attractive man standing before me. I immediately took out my earbuds and looked up as he motioned towards the street we were on and asked me if any buses were expected to arrive at our stop.

I glanced to where he had pointed and realized the entire street was closed, and water was gushing everywhere. I started to panic because I knew I was still far from the dealership and had no idea how to get there on time. One might assume someone his age, who was younger than me and seemingly more put together, would have a cell phone. He immediately started asking me questions to which he already seemed to know the answer and guided me on which app to use and how to find the best route.

I luckily made it to work on time. Although I didn’t stay at that job very long, it was a stepping stone that saved my life figuratively. Without this perfect interaction, I wouldn’t have made it to work on time and likely would have quit shortly after, preventing me from getting to the next step in my journey. He needed to be there then, and I needed to listen to his advice.

I knew immediately in a spiritual sense what had happened. I had experienced moments like this and heard people talking about it in their own life. It might not have seemed as significant to others, but it was for me. It was that recognition of knowing there was more in my physical reality and this world than we can fully comprehend.

This notion of being in the right place at the right time is very much orchestrated on the other side, and a story from a family friend whose car broke down in the middle of nowhere often comes to mind. It had overheated, and she got out of her vehicle and tried to find out what was wrong. She began tinkering under her car’s hood when she heard an unfamiliar voice say to her, “I think your radiator needs water,” a few moments later, a man returned with a jug, which she poured into the radiator.

She started her car, put down the hood, and looked around to find herself alone on an isolated road. She knew something otherworldly had taken place but wasn’t sure what happened, but immediately went to see my mother, who could only tell her, “You’re driving around with holy water in your car.”

I’m sure there are moments in your own life when you tell other people and explain to them how miraculous it was that you survived a situation that seemed so daunting, or when you received the right words at the right moment, or you have heard about a friend who received some divine intervention that changed their life forever and could have even changed their views on spirituality.

The language that surrounds these scenarios is less important than the acknowledgement that they exist. I feel the importance lies in recognizing what took place was sacred. Perhaps beyond that not-too-distant veil that we may think is much further than it is, someone decided to step forward and assist in some manner to help you get to where you need to be.

These situations can also occur subtly more when we are guided through synchronicities where we hear the perfect song playing that reminds us of someone we love or multiple people tell us on the same day to apply for that job we’ve been considering. When we continually see spiritual signposts that gently nudge us to where we’re supposed to go for what seems far too long, we might feel more supported by spirit. It’s no less essential to receive those synchronistic moments in life. Although the big moments are great because they are good examples that allow us to feel heaven on earth for a moment, the reality is that even those seemingly less significant situations are just as critical.

The reality is nothing matters, and yet, at the same time, everything matters. In the same way, no life on earth is less important than another; the same is true for our choices and how interconnected everything is to the spirit world. There is no separation, and there is no death, and our lives, in retrospect, are very brief. What matters is being kind to ourselves and each other and remembering that we are just as crucial to that cosmic puzzle as the colleague who frustrates you the most, or your best friend who is doing way more exciting things in life than you are, or the homeless person trying to keep warm.

So, when you have a miraculous experience with a stranger who approaches you and tells you the absolute most perfect thing at that moment, trust that what you experienced was complete and divine. Feel the love that represents deep within your soul because that’s what it is. It’s their way of helping you and ensuring you don’t feel alone or guiding you in the right direction. So, if you ever receive wisdom from a kind stranger and are reluctant to heed the advice, remember those words stem from a place of unconditional love and that they want what is best for you. Treasure those interactions and remember how treasured you are.

Chapter Seventeen: Animal Teachers

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Animals have served as incredible friends and confidants—at least in my world because of their innate ability to come from an unconditional place. I feel more at home with a dog or cat than most people. I have learned how perceptive animals are to energy and even the words we use around them. I think we underestimate their level of comprehension and assume they don’t understand anything or fully gather what takes place in our homes. My cat Obi has taught me so much about communication and how in tune these animals are to our energy.

Obi was rehomed because of aggression, and I knew it would be a long process getting him to a point where he would feel safe and comfortable. He has come a long way and seems incredibly adept at comprehension. Not only does he pick up when people feel sick or unwell and devote more of his time and attention to those in need, but he also understands certain words very clearly, especially regarding food.

I had a loved one stay with me for an extended period, and they were extremely depressed and struggling each day. Obi would get up and lay next to them for hours each day, accepting copious amounts of love and rubs when he usually can barely stand more than a few minutes of cuddles at a time. Still, he knew that he was helping and that his presence was assisting this person in need in some way.

As human beings, we take solace in the idea that animals don’t feel as deeply as we do, and they don’t understand as much as we give them credit. How upsetting it would be to realize the depth of their feelings associated with our collective mistreatment of them: through the ongoing decimation of their habitats across the globe, their ill-treatment on TV and film sets, and most recently, industrialized factory farming and all the cruelty associated with that.

Part of our experience on earth and our interactions with the animal world is realizing that they are an integral part of everything. I’m sure part of why humanity struggles as much as it does is because we’ve lost sight of what really matters regarding how we treat each other and how we respect animals as much as the earth itself. This notion was highlighted during the pandemic when many people started gardening again and spending more time at home. This was not a universal phenomenon when you factor in poverty, but for those fortunate enough to have access to green spaces, I think a lot of healing took place for those people. I think people who had so much healing occurred during those times partly because of that connection to the earth.

As I have grown spiritually, my vibration has changed, and I have become more sensitive to everything, including the foods I consume, the music I listen to, the films and TV I watch, and even the shampoos and lotions I use. It sucks, but as I realized these things, I started having nightmares about animals being slaughtered. I started learning from the universe that I needed to incorporate a more vegan diet, even to the point where sometimes I would order items with cheese, only to discover that the employee working at a restaurant neglected to add it to my meal.

It’s a privilege to be in tune with something spiritually higher than ourselves, and it makes having slight alterations that much more tolerable because it represents the idea that someone like myself might feel things profoundly and experience higher degrees of sensitivity, which is excellent for compassion and empathy. Regardless, sometimes I want cheese on my burrito, and then I’m gently reminded by the universe that, “nahhhh… you don’t need it.”

The flip side of having a propensity for high sensitivity is learning to incorporate energetic solid boundaries, which I struggle with, unfortunately, and it’s been a learning curve that I haven’t completely mastered yet. I can quickly spiral while in that state if I don’t prioritize it because having a high vibration or aura too outstretched all the time isn’t sustainable. It may feel amazing sometimes but isn’t ideal for navigating the real world properly.

I will 1000% admit that there have been times that I have been illogical, and so caught up in my spiritual side that I forget to live in the here and now. It’s equally important to be grounded as it is to be connected to the source because without connecting to the physical world, living seems like a moot experience—isn’t it? Why else would we be here if we weren’t supposed to engage in this physical reality fully? As incredible as it is to think about other potential realities or realms and what lies on the other side, we’re just wasting time here without authentic engagement with life!

I think balance can be overrated because I have this perception in my mind that everyone else’s life is perfect. I am just perpetually living in a state of slight unease and disorganization. When I think no one has their shit together 100% of the time but is good at seeming like they do, at least that’s what I’ve come to learn. I think we all assume everyone else knows what they’re doing, and then we all are just floundering around, but I’m not talking about whether you forgot to buy milk or pay your bill on time; the most important thing I’ve learned about balance pertains to a mental health crisis versus a spiritual awakening.

Spiritual balance separates streetside preachers speaking about the end of days and those who can communicate with spirit or have had intense spiritual experiences and can still live in the real world even when they have many extraordinary circumstances peppering their everyday lives.

This is the example I will use to differentiate why a mentally ill person asks me why they might need medication versus someone else who hears voices in their head but makes a living communicating with those who are no longer physically here. It’s a fine line sometimes, and it can be straightforward to lose ourselves in spirituality. And being grounded and realizing the importance of living here can sometimes prevent many issues from becoming exacerbated.

Some of us, whose light might shine differently than others, sometimes stick out like a sore thumb and might provoke others by their mere presence alone. They have added barriers to deal with because they are so misunderstood and might feel heightened emotions around loneliness because they are so different and deeply felt. Their path in life is unique, and as a result, they feel more isolated because others find it harder to relate to them.

About ten years ago, I was driving close to my current home. I was at a busy intersection, and my glasses were broken so that I couldn’t see well. I glanced up at the left hydro pole, where I noticed a bird with red tail feathers being watched by a crow. This all occurred while I waited for the light to turn green, and suddenly, the crow started attacking this unusual-looking bird.

I could barely see, but I quickly realized that I was looking at an African Gray Parrot, and parrots are not native to Nova Scotia, Canada—contrary to popular belief! So, I immediately yelled, “Oh my God! That’s a parrot! That’s an African Gray, “we need to pull over the car.” It had flown into a nearby tree, and we coaxed it down by calling to it. Eventually, it flew down and landed on the arm of my friend.

We were freaking out trying to figure out what to do with this parrot, and we decided to take it to a nearby Animal Hospital. We brought the bird in, and the staff notified us that the bird was female and looked like she had been out a few days but otherwise was in good condition. I went home, and my friend told her brother what happened, who had seen a lost parrot poster on his walk home from school. She contacted the family, who broke down on the phone, having thought they had lost their bird forever, and we helped save a tiny life that day.

My “moral of the story moment” from that encounter was that the crows noticed that this African Gray seemed out of place, and they were quick to judge this bird and attack it. It’s like people whose inner light shines a little differently. Just in the same way that unique thinkers and quirky personalities annoy some people—African Grey stood out to the crows.

Maybe it serves as an excellent reminder to me that perhaps that’s why someone like myself got bullied so relentlessly growing up, and sometimes the odd ones get separated from the rest because something within us stands out to other people—even on an energetic level. The crows seemed to know immediately that this bird was different and felt threatened. Much like these “judgey” crows, I think we humans still have a lot to learn. It’s misguided of us to assume we know it all, and sometimes, our most outstanding teachers are the most helpless and require more gentleness to help teach us so much about our humanity.

Chapter Twelve: #Canceled

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Many people can relate to the idea that sometimes we are villains in other people’s stories regardless of how we see ourselves and how good we are. I think it’s impossible to get through life without offending someone. Much of my life has been spent actively trying to avoid offending because I have this tendency not to want to hurt anything or anyone, but no matter what, eventually, somewhere along the way, people will view you as an antagonist who got in their way or interfered in their life in some capacity.

I am far from perfect, but I strive to be a good person continually, and I have former roommates who are no longer my friends who were there during dark times in my life and who I’m sure could attest to how truly imperfect I am. I would 100% agree with them, without question. Our perceptions are subjective; sometimes, we don’t always know what’s going on in someone else’s world, and others might view us in ways that wildly differ from how we see ourselves.

I remember I was invited to a wedding. I was too broke and embarrassed to mention that my gift would be late, which, in hindsight, would have provided enough clarity to avoid any misunderstanding. Still, for someone who often struggles with anxiety and has an avoidant nature at times, it has been difficult in the past to mention these things or talk about them openly. Unless you have experienced certain things personally, people don’t go out of their way to empathize, how they might perceive a situation or scenario, or where another person might be coming from.

Several months before the wedding, I had purchased a greeting card congratulating the new couple on their happy life together and was waiting to get paid before I sent it along with some cash. I attended the beautiful outdoor wedding and enjoyed my time there. I went back home, and a week or two went by. I reached out to her through social media and noticed that she had deleted me from the app, as did her brother.

Four years went by before I saw the couple again at a barbecue. I received an icy reception emanating from the woman. During our brief conversation, she made a point to reference that she bought her purebred dog with her wedding money, which I felt was her way of confirming the reason for her ending our relationship. I considered bringing it to her then, but it didn’t feel right then. I saw it as a teaching tool for me and felt the need to hold on to it for some reason.

I regretted not voicing to her that I didn’t have money when I went to her wedding—that maybe it was wrong of me to attend a function like that without providing a gift at that moment. I thought about the embarrassment I felt as a result, and I dwelled upon how she might have perceived me, but ultimately, when she made that comment four years later, I felt okay about no longer having her in my life.

The reality is sometimes, when we have those encounters, it’s way more about the other person than it ever is about you. There will be people who dislike you immensely; they might outright hate you, wish ill will for you, and will not cheer when you succeed, and there is nothing you can do about trying to win over that group of people. Ultimately, you wouldn’t want to anyway because why cling to those who don’t even like you?

And there will be times when you are most certainly the jerk in the situation; you are the asshole, and there is no way around that. It’s an innately human experience that we will all take part in, and the best course of action is to blame yourself once, apologize, make amends if you can, and move forward because constantly dwelling on it isn’t helping anyone.

I come from a spiritual perspective with most aspects of my life, and I view the idea that we are all jerks, at least some of the time, as a necessity of life. In the spiritual sense, we are all effectively teachers and students, and everyone has their wisdom to share. Often, that wisdom comes in the form of harsh life lessons, but we can often look back at them or specific periods in our life and think, “Oh wow I’m a different person now as a result of those moments,” despite how difficult that situation was for me.

An example might be that in the wedding scenario, my lesson was about overcoming embarrassment and letting them know their gift would arrive in a few weeks. It could be about being more comfortable with frankness and alleviating doubt in situations where doubt can come into play. I know that I learned the value of being open and honest about my intentions, and maybe if there even was a lesson to be remembered for her, she might have gained more insight into assumptions and what kinds of things we assume about people.

I honestly don’t know, and if there is one, her takeaway has no bearing on my journey. What I do know is that often, our greatest teachers in life are the ones that cause us the most frustration. Some of my best course corrections have stemmed from deciding to see things from a different point of view, reevaluating, and changing direction so we can move forward.

Changing your perspective can make a world of difference. In the example of being “cancelled,” I didn’t lose out that much in terms of a relationship because I wasn’t that close with this person, but I did learn a valuable lesson through the supposed loss. Having her effectively delete me from her life had more growth associated with retaining that one additional friend on social media. I developed more through this scenario than if I were still friends with her on Facebook.

I’m sure there are situations in your own life where you can look back upon moments and notice how impactful certain endings have been in your world. In some scenarios, you are better off without them, or you change due to that loss. You probably needed to cut ties at other moments and felt relieved when you did. Sometimes we are the asshole but have also been a victim. Sometimes we are teachers, sometimes the students, and often, we are both simultaneously. Regardless, there are lessons to be learned from being impactful and having an impact, and the intention is always to grow and learn from those interactions and try to do better the next time.

Chapter Eleven: Daydreaming

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As a child, I often found myself not paying attention in class, which I think was mainly because I was so often bullied in school, even within the classroom setting, and I was just smart enough not to have to apply myself, so I didn’t.

So, I effectively learned how to daydream my days away until I could go home, and I didn’t realize how vast my dreamscape was in terms of how I lived my life until I started working for a hotel in my city of Halifax, Nova Scotia back in 2021 as a reservation agent. I was working under a woman who was, in hindsight, cartoonishly vindictive and would go out of her way to make my life difficult when it would only add more work for her. She wasn’t the brightest light on the street, and I noticed I began to zone out while doing my job. I was good at it since it was easy, and once I figured out all the software, I could easily daydream about other things while booking guests into the hotel rooms.

In a sense, I was living life from a space of non-existence and at the time, it brought me joy because I was disassociated from reality and numbing out from sheer willpower alone. I was living in the fantasy world of my creation, and I became aware that while some people use drugs or alcohol, and I think even mental illness to some degree sometimes, I was getting through life by merely daydreaming my way through it. It felt easier not fully seeing and experiencing the world but just being numb to it all and creating my reality.

I was genuinely content during this phase of my life. Still, I was also not living it either or feeling rewarded in a philanthropic sense, and I wholeheartedly know that spirit is much more aware and has a greater plan for all of us than we could ever fully grasp. We are often guided by nature, and sometimes forcibly so—into positions that allow us to best serve others, often by making us feel uncomfortable doing what is deemed as status quo or what seems like the most levelheaded, balanced or “normal” option because our purpose for being here is more crucial to the development of humanity than working a job that gives us “stability.”

Sometimes, there is no other option for those with a calling in life. We can try different careers, but ultimately, we will be pushed into a specific role because it is part of our life mission, what is best for others and why we incarnate. It’s what we signed up for before we arrived here in this lifetime, so regardless of what we think we should be doing, the universe will gently nudge us in the right direction.

And in all honesty, it sucks sometimes. There are moments when I reflect on my past self and my ability to drift through life as if I wasn’t even really here, and I have fleeting thoughts. Still, they pale in comparison because I was effectively sleepwalking through life and not accomplishing things that would invoke pride within myself or doing what felt innate to me. I was barely here and being nudged to be more present and express myself more.

It’s easier to live a safe life, and I was afraid to delve into things that inspire me the most because I was afraid to fail at something that meant so much to me. As comfortable as it is to continue to exist in my little wonderland, I was not doing what I was told to do by taking calls from a tiny office, and I wasn’t making a high-yield spiritual impact by working at a job like that. Spirit knew, spirit always knows, and I needed to remove myself from the situation to spend more time reflecting and musing about my experiences.

Eventually, my boss, a great teacher in my quirky little life story, decided to make my work life more uncomfortable, and I decided to part ways with the establishment. I was working on a creative project, which became more demanding of my time, and it was just spirit’s way of pushing me to do something better and more in alignment with who I am and what I want to become.

Sometimes, I think I know what’s better for me than better than the universe does. I can get caught up in thinking about how my life should look and how things should develop and unfold. Still, I’m not supposed to control every detail of my life, and sometimes, I have romanticized relationships or situations that I thought were meant for me. I felt that parting ways would be far too devastating a fate—only to move past that experience to find out later there was something far more significant and better suited for me, but had I not gone through those initial experiences, I might not have had such a deep appreciation for the good things that eventually came into my life.

Sometimes, growing spiritually creates an unusual offshoot and an unspoken side effect that can leave you questioning whether it’s worth it. Ultimately, it is, but there are moments where doubt can creep in, and I can go off track due to not being grounded enough, but spirit gently reminds me to realign myself and take a moment to breathe—breathe. The greatest gift I have ever received is transcending that veil and fully seeing how much our reality pales compared to what lies on the other side. When we realize that all our experiences are transient, whether good or bad, it helps us trudge through life’s difficulties more easily and reminds us how vast the concept of living is when we remove death from the equation. 

Each person has a purpose for being here. We should all strive to find a path that makes us happy and to lessen the pain of others around us since it is far better to serve the higher good and fulfill our unique purpose for being here than living our lives for others.

The world is far too dark sometimes and bleak to limit our self-perception to an image we were taught to accept as who we truly are. I’d much rather live a life where I feel I’m making a difference than lesson myself for “keeping up with the Joneses” or fulfilling an acquaintance’s view of who I should be.

Our time here is precious, and our purpose isn’t to daydream through life or fast forward through the weekdays so we can enjoy moments when we’re not sitting in a cubicle, longing to be somewhere else. It’s about making the opportunities count, helping others move through life in a less burdensome way, and enjoying the sweet aspects of life with the ones we love as often as we can.

Chapter Seven: Psychosis and Finding a New Reality

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I never really struggled scholastically and always did well until university, where I began to find it challenging to stay on task. It was the first time in my life that I was 100% accountable and had to be motivated to wake up and go to school, do my assignments, and everything else on time. I wasn’t accustomed to having to try so hard, and it was the first time I was required to get through it all independently.

Suddenly, I was in a different province, away from home for the first time. I was 100% accountable for every misstep and found having many assignments due all at once difficult to manage. I started failing miserably at something that many people assumed I would be good at, and I was too stubborn to change directions, so I thought maybe I was to blame.

I was living with a friend who had once taken ADHD medication, and she noticed that she could accomplish a lot more while taking her medication. I looked up the symptoms online and saw many of them had paralleled my experience. I spoke to my family doctor about getting a referral to a psychiatrist to be assessed. Part of the diagnostic proceedings involved having friends and family fill out questionnaires and self-assessment tests to complete.

Some of my friends didn’t feel comfortable filling it out, but they did anyway, and inevitably, I was diagnosed with ADHD and was prescribed Adderall. Finding the proper dosage for me involved taking small doses at a time and increasing them until I felt I was in the correct state. I was supposed to self-monitor to see what level was best for me, and I took the highest dose of Adderall.

I remember I noticed some issues within the first few weeks, but I continued taking the medication because I was aware of the weight loss connected with taking a drug like that. Until then, I had already lost around 50 pounds, but after taking Adderall, I lost an additional 30 more. Mind you, at this point of losing 30 pounds, it wasn’t due to eating well and being thoroughly hydrated. It was through having zero sense of hunger and not sleeping for days. So, I continued with it as my relationships began to dissolve, and I struggled with navigating living arrangements when I wasn’t even speaking to the people I lived with.

The chaos that inevitably consumed my life continued for over a year and a half. It was so subtle at first. I have always described the experience to others as if I was slowly lowering myself into a warm bath, not because it was comfortable, but because it seemed so natural and as if I was slipping from one state into another. It’s just one of those points in my life that I rarely go back and examine because it wasn’t me living it.

Most days, I feel like those memories were from someone else’s life, and I get flashes of things here and there like I’m remembering it all from a dream. It began with making accusations towards a person I was in love with. That relationship dissolved, which would have eventually run its course anyway. Still, things progressed to making accusations against a professor of mine and finally hurling accusations against close family members.

During that time, I could lie in bed for hours staring up at the ceiling, envisioning horrific cartoon characters playing out weird scenarios using the chipped paint as a backdrop, or I could believe certain things transpired when they never really did. One unusual thing for most people who struggle with mental illness was how astutely aware I was of the fact that something was wrong, but I just wasn’t sure what that might be. I began researching my symptoms and tried to figure out exactly what was going on with me; I thought it might be the medication, but I banked on it being something else entirely.

My mother was struggling with trying to continue working while she had no idea what was going on in my world and began making psychiatry appointments for me every week in the hopes that I might ask her to take me to see the doctor one day.

Eventually, I did, and I asked for help. I remember speaking to my psychiatrist about no longer having any identity and had concerns about my future. He instructed me to immediately refrain from using the medication I was prescribed, but gave me new pills to take, and told me to go for walks but not to interact with anyone.

I found a journal entry years later where I spoke at length about my interactions and being told to take antipsychotics and only doing so to see “what might happen.” Within a few days, my mom noticed a shift in my eyes and demeanour. Within two weeks, I also noticed that things became more apparent, as if a thin veil in front of my eyes slowly vanished into nothingness, and that all the interactions I thought I had no longer existed.

They were merely figments of my imagination running wild, and suddenly, the world was tuned to a different dial than the one I had grown accustomed to. I was left sitting in this void that is very indescribable if you haven’t experienced it for yourself. I highly do not recommend it if you can avoid it, but those experiences gave me wisdom that I carry with me today.

Fortunately for me, my issues stemmed from a drug-induced psychotic state, and I was spared the fate of requiring this course of treatment for the rest of my life. I continued taking antipsychotics for several years until I felt secure enough to discontinue that course of treatment. That is not to discount medical intervention and the effectiveness of medication in terms of treating mental illness, which is a medical issue of the brain, but like any medication, if you don’t need to take it, then why would you and I’m happy that I no longer require these drugs to function in society.

Meditation and prayer are essential for feeling good, mainly because I am so sensitive to energy and my emotions. So, I require those moments to keep me balanced, modalities I utilize along my journey with mental health. Sometimes, things can get overwhelming when I don’t, and I must look at myself and realize that is something I need in my life now and in the future.

One of the most important lessons I learned from this experience was that I didn’t need to change myself to fit in with an educational institution that might not have been the right choice for me in the first place. I also didn’t need to take medication to let go of weight in hopes that the boy I was in love with might find me more appealing when he wasn’t attracted to women in the first place. I learned that many of us can go through dark periods and rarely speak of it to anyone else. We can survive insurmountable challenges, pick ourselves up again, and continue our journey until we inevitably make our journeys home one day, hopefully when we are old and tired and falling apart at the seams when we do.

We may find people in our lives that use our weaknesses against us. We might dwell on missed opportunities when those options were never meant for us. Whatever is meant for you will eventually find its way to you; if it doesn’t, it wasn’t yours in the first place. Sometimes, those things we think we lost out on were either helping us to shift our perspective so we could manifest something better into our lives or were steppingstones in our journey in life. Most importantly, it might just be about us learning something greater about ourselves overcoming obstacles and trying again tomorrow.

We don’t come into this world to have one good thing after another happen to us. We will face adversity and feel left behind sometimes. There will be days when we ultimately might think we are unworthy of being here and will want to throw in the towel. Undoubtedly, those awful moments, and even worse, will happen, but it doesn’t mean there won’t be good days that make us long for those moments and keep us here despite it all—because the goal is simple.

There are only a few requirements: to continue to try to be a good person whenever possible and not skip out too early. It isn’t even fire and brimstone if you can’t do either, but it’s preferred that you do both and certainly help as many people as you can, as often as you can.  Also, follow your bliss! What fills you with passion is an excellent map to follow and look for joyful moments whenever possible!

Choosing to incarnate on earth isn’t easy, and you should give yourself a break to remind yourself that you’re doing better than you realize. Maybe your words can impact someone else’s life and make their journey easier. Sometimes, the greatest gift you can give someone else is letting them know that they’re not alone, and then, even if it’s just true, expressing your journey in some way, you have no idea what kind of impact you can have on someone else’s life.