I never really struggled scholastically and always did well until university, where I began to find it challenging to stay on task. It was the first time in my life that I was 100% accountable and had to be motivated to wake up and go to school, do my assignments, and everything else on time. I wasn’t accustomed to having to try so hard, and it was the first time I was required to get through it all independently.

Suddenly, I was in a different province, away from home for the first time. I was 100% accountable for every misstep and found having many assignments due all at once difficult to manage. I started failing miserably at something that many people assumed I would be good at, and I was too stubborn to change directions, so I thought maybe I was to blame.

I was living with a friend who had once taken ADHD medication, and she noticed that she could accomplish a lot more while taking her medication. I looked up the symptoms online and saw many of them had paralleled my experience. I spoke to my family doctor about getting a referral to a psychiatrist to be assessed. Part of the diagnostic proceedings involved having friends and family fill out questionnaires and self-assessment tests to complete.

Some of my friends didn’t feel comfortable filling it out, but they did anyway, and inevitably, I was diagnosed with ADHD and was prescribed Adderall. Finding the proper dosage for me involved taking small doses at a time and increasing them until I felt I was in the correct state. I was supposed to self-monitor to see what level was best for me, and I took the highest dose of Adderall.

I remember I noticed some issues within the first few weeks, but I continued taking the medication because I was aware of the weight loss connected with taking a drug like that. Until then, I had already lost around 50 pounds, but after taking Adderall, I lost an additional 30 more. Mind you, at this point of losing 30 pounds, it wasn’t due to eating well and being thoroughly hydrated. It was through having zero sense of hunger and not sleeping for days. So, I continued with it as my relationships began to dissolve, and I struggled with navigating living arrangements when I wasn’t even speaking to the people I lived with.

The chaos that inevitably consumed my life continued for over a year and a half. It was so subtle at first. I have always described the experience to others as if I was slowly lowering myself into a warm bath, not because it was comfortable, but because it seemed so natural and as if I was slipping from one state into another. It’s just one of those points in my life that I rarely go back and examine because it wasn’t me living it.

Most days, I feel like those memories were from someone else’s life, and I get flashes of things here and there like I’m remembering it all from a dream. It began with making accusations towards a person I was in love with. That relationship dissolved, which would have eventually run its course anyway. Still, things progressed to making accusations against a professor of mine and finally hurling accusations against close family members.

During that time, I could lie in bed for hours staring up at the ceiling, envisioning horrific cartoon characters playing out weird scenarios using the chipped paint as a backdrop, or I could believe certain things transpired when they never really did. One unusual thing for most people who struggle with mental illness was how astutely aware I was of the fact that something was wrong, but I just wasn’t sure what that might be. I began researching my symptoms and tried to figure out exactly what was going on with me; I thought it might be the medication, but I banked on it being something else entirely.

My mother was struggling with trying to continue working while she had no idea what was going on in my world and began making psychiatry appointments for me every week in the hopes that I might ask her to take me to see the doctor one day.

Eventually, I did, and I asked for help. I remember speaking to my psychiatrist about no longer having any identity and had concerns about my future. He instructed me to immediately refrain from using the medication I was prescribed, but gave me new pills to take, and told me to go for walks but not to interact with anyone.

I found a journal entry years later where I spoke at length about my interactions and being told to take antipsychotics and only doing so to see “what might happen.” Within a few days, my mom noticed a shift in my eyes and demeanour. Within two weeks, I also noticed that things became more apparent, as if a thin veil in front of my eyes slowly vanished into nothingness, and that all the interactions I thought I had no longer existed.

They were merely figments of my imagination running wild, and suddenly, the world was tuned to a different dial than the one I had grown accustomed to. I was left sitting in this void that is very indescribable if you haven’t experienced it for yourself. I highly do not recommend it if you can avoid it, but those experiences gave me wisdom that I carry with me today.

Fortunately for me, my issues stemmed from a drug-induced psychotic state, and I was spared the fate of requiring this course of treatment for the rest of my life. I continued taking antipsychotics for several years until I felt secure enough to discontinue that course of treatment. That is not to discount medical intervention and the effectiveness of medication in terms of treating mental illness, which is a medical issue of the brain, but like any medication, if you don’t need to take it, then why would you and I’m happy that I no longer require these drugs to function in society.

Meditation and prayer are essential for feeling good, mainly because I am so sensitive to energy and my emotions. So, I require those moments to keep me balanced, modalities I utilize along my journey with mental health. Sometimes, things can get overwhelming when I don’t, and I must look at myself and realize that is something I need in my life now and in the future.

One of the most important lessons I learned from this experience was that I didn’t need to change myself to fit in with an educational institution that might not have been the right choice for me in the first place. I also didn’t need to take medication to let go of weight in hopes that the boy I was in love with might find me more appealing when he wasn’t attracted to women in the first place. I learned that many of us can go through dark periods and rarely speak of it to anyone else. We can survive insurmountable challenges, pick ourselves up again, and continue our journey until we inevitably make our journeys home one day, hopefully when we are old and tired and falling apart at the seams when we do.

We may find people in our lives that use our weaknesses against us. We might dwell on missed opportunities when those options were never meant for us. Whatever is meant for you will eventually find its way to you; if it doesn’t, it wasn’t yours in the first place. Sometimes, those things we think we lost out on were either helping us to shift our perspective so we could manifest something better into our lives or were steppingstones in our journey in life. Most importantly, it might just be about us learning something greater about ourselves overcoming obstacles and trying again tomorrow.

We don’t come into this world to have one good thing after another happen to us. We will face adversity and feel left behind sometimes. There will be days when we ultimately might think we are unworthy of being here and will want to throw in the towel. Undoubtedly, those awful moments, and even worse, will happen, but it doesn’t mean there won’t be good days that make us long for those moments and keep us here despite it all—because the goal is simple.

There are only a few requirements: to continue to try to be a good person whenever possible and not skip out too early. It isn’t even fire and brimstone if you can’t do either, but it’s preferred that you do both and certainly help as many people as you can, as often as you can.  Also, follow your bliss! What fills you with passion is an excellent map to follow and look for joyful moments whenever possible!

Choosing to incarnate on earth isn’t easy, and you should give yourself a break to remind yourself that you’re doing better than you realize. Maybe your words can impact someone else’s life and make their journey easier. Sometimes, the greatest gift you can give someone else is letting them know that they’re not alone, and then, even if it’s just true, expressing your journey in some way, you have no idea what kind of impact you can have on someone else’s life.