Many people can relate to the idea that sometimes we are villains in other people’s stories regardless of how we see ourselves and how good we are. I think it’s impossible to get through life without offending someone. Much of my life has been spent actively trying to avoid offending because I have this tendency not to want to hurt anything or anyone, but no matter what, eventually, somewhere along the way, people will view you as an antagonist who got in their way or interfered in their life in some capacity.

I am far from perfect, but I strive to be a good person continually, and I have former roommates who are no longer my friends who were there during dark times in my life and who I’m sure could attest to how truly imperfect I am. I would 100% agree with them, without question. Our perceptions are subjective; sometimes, we don’t always know what’s going on in someone else’s world, and others might view us in ways that wildly differ from how we see ourselves.

I remember I was invited to a wedding. I was too broke and embarrassed to mention that my gift would be late, which, in hindsight, would have provided enough clarity to avoid any misunderstanding. Still, for someone who often struggles with anxiety and has an avoidant nature at times, it has been difficult in the past to mention these things or talk about them openly. Unless you have experienced certain things personally, people don’t go out of their way to empathize, how they might perceive a situation or scenario, or where another person might be coming from.

Several months before the wedding, I had purchased a greeting card congratulating the new couple on their happy life together and was waiting to get paid before I sent it along with some cash. I attended the beautiful outdoor wedding and enjoyed my time there. I went back home, and a week or two went by. I reached out to her through social media and noticed that she had deleted me from the app, as did her brother.

Four years went by before I saw the couple again at a barbecue. I received an icy reception emanating from the woman. During our brief conversation, she made a point to reference that she bought her purebred dog with her wedding money, which I felt was her way of confirming the reason for her ending our relationship. I considered bringing it to her then, but it didn’t feel right then. I saw it as a teaching tool for me and felt the need to hold on to it for some reason.

I regretted not voicing to her that I didn’t have money when I went to her wedding—that maybe it was wrong of me to attend a function like that without providing a gift at that moment. I thought about the embarrassment I felt as a result, and I dwelled upon how she might have perceived me, but ultimately, when she made that comment four years later, I felt okay about no longer having her in my life.

The reality is sometimes, when we have those encounters, it’s way more about the other person than it ever is about you. There will be people who dislike you immensely; they might outright hate you, wish ill will for you, and will not cheer when you succeed, and there is nothing you can do about trying to win over that group of people. Ultimately, you wouldn’t want to anyway because why cling to those who don’t even like you?

And there will be times when you are most certainly the jerk in the situation; you are the asshole, and there is no way around that. It’s an innately human experience that we will all take part in, and the best course of action is to blame yourself once, apologize, make amends if you can, and move forward because constantly dwelling on it isn’t helping anyone.

I come from a spiritual perspective with most aspects of my life, and I view the idea that we are all jerks, at least some of the time, as a necessity of life. In the spiritual sense, we are all effectively teachers and students, and everyone has their wisdom to share. Often, that wisdom comes in the form of harsh life lessons, but we can often look back at them or specific periods in our life and think, “Oh wow I’m a different person now as a result of those moments,” despite how difficult that situation was for me.

An example might be that in the wedding scenario, my lesson was about overcoming embarrassment and letting them know their gift would arrive in a few weeks. It could be about being more comfortable with frankness and alleviating doubt in situations where doubt can come into play. I know that I learned the value of being open and honest about my intentions, and maybe if there even was a lesson to be remembered for her, she might have gained more insight into assumptions and what kinds of things we assume about people.

I honestly don’t know, and if there is one, her takeaway has no bearing on my journey. What I do know is that often, our greatest teachers in life are the ones that cause us the most frustration. Some of my best course corrections have stemmed from deciding to see things from a different point of view, reevaluating, and changing direction so we can move forward.

Changing your perspective can make a world of difference. In the example of being “cancelled,” I didn’t lose out that much in terms of a relationship because I wasn’t that close with this person, but I did learn a valuable lesson through the supposed loss. Having her effectively delete me from her life had more growth associated with retaining that one additional friend on social media. I developed more through this scenario than if I were still friends with her on Facebook.

I’m sure there are situations in your own life where you can look back upon moments and notice how impactful certain endings have been in your world. In some scenarios, you are better off without them, or you change due to that loss. You probably needed to cut ties at other moments and felt relieved when you did. Sometimes we are the asshole but have also been a victim. Sometimes we are teachers, sometimes the students, and often, we are both simultaneously. Regardless, there are lessons to be learned from being impactful and having an impact, and the intention is always to grow and learn from those interactions and try to do better the next time.