I am unusual and an oddball. I experience the world differently, as many of us do, and the lens through which certain people see this world is sometimes tinted a different colour. Creative visionaries and the like often have unique perspectives and think about the world differently because we are the change-makers and can find new ways of bringing forth innovative ideas, concepts, and art because we’re wired differently.

When I was six, we moved to a small town where the residents are primarily roman catholic. I was raised without religion, grew up poor, and lived in a single-parent home with a mom who had recently returned to university. The townsfolk and my peers were great at pointing out my differences and were the type that seemed to know everything about everyone. A great example of this was each Halloween when I went Trick or Treating, I would be asked by each household in my rural community, “Who’s your father,” which may or may not have been coupled with a needlessly strong Nova Scotian accent.

Older adults ask this highly regional question to determine who you’re related to and who your family is. So, I spent time at each household awkwardly trying to explain “who my father was,” but having never met the man in person, I struggled with defining the family dynamics at play and even where I came from. Even now, I sometimes wish I could go back in time to highlight the hilarity of the situation, but now, it was so uncomfortable, and I usually just stammered my way through the weird exchange until they handed over the candy.

It’s likely not difficult to see why I was quickly viewed as an outsider and continually reminded of that fact. My peers were quick to point out to me that I wasn’t from there. Not to mention that I was so much taller than everyone else in my class and stopped growing at a young age. I distinctly remember waiting for my mom at the registrar’s office while she was a mature student attending Saint Francis Xavier University. A clerk stopped me to see if I needed help registering for university classes before I turned 12.

I was overweight, but that and my height made me stick out quite a bit. I’m sure it started before grade three, but I knew that was the first-time school officials needed to be involved. About five boys would surround me after school, taunt me, and call me fat, among other hurtful words, which, if this wasn’t something you were regularly called growing up, typically does a number on your psyche.

This happened daily and only stopped because I began trying to defend myself physically. My teacher was notified but never seemed to like me, so she did very little to prevent things from escalating. My mom found out later that my teacher had been severely bullied herself as a child for being overweight. So, maybe it was too difficult for her to relive her own experiences vicariously through me, so she continually disregarded my experiences. Eventually, the principal was informed, and there was a meeting with the parents of the other children.

I honestly don’t even remember who most of the kids were, but the one who targeted me the worst was the most apologetic about what he did. He went out of his way to make me realize he genuinely apologized for what happened, and I knew he meant it. The reality was his mom was a former teacher but had to retire early because she was diagnosed with brain cancer, and her treatment left her completely deaf. There was so much uncertainty in his life then, and he didn’t know if his mom would survive.

I can’t fathom what he must have felt then, and when he apologized, it was different than the others. He said it more than once even though I didn’t ask him to and wasn’t expecting it, but I could tell this was a person, a child, who was hurting himself and didn’t know what to do with his emotions. I was an easy target because other kids had already been calling me names in and out of the classroom, and I’ve since come to a point where I take a lot of solace in knowing that hurt people, hurt people. It’s just that simple, and that notion provided so much healing and helped me remove myself from the process entirely once I finally accepted that fact.

I debated delving into these emotions before I started tapping away at my keyboard, an aspect of life that I genuinely struggle with. I often seem to be in a constant war within myself most days—just not fully knowing what I should do or how to move through it all. Still, the same day, I was ranting in the shower to myself about the idea of forgiveness and mentally trying to organize my thoughts about the importance of it all. I received an email from one of my former bullies out of the blue, which made me feel like there was a nudge from the spirit world that I needed to tap into these emotions and that this concept was something worth exploring.

I had contacted her almost a year before she responded to my message, and I took it as a sign there was something valid about what I was trying to express. I am highly analytical but sometimes not very logical. To an outside observer, my choices might be perplexing. Still, I have a deep faith in my spiritual team and trust that the universe always has my back, so when I receive a message from the spirit directly, I tend to listen, even when it might not seem like the right decision to others.

So, when I saw that she responded almost a year later, I thought there was something to all of this, and when I finished reading her words, it was the best-case scenario regarding how well it was received. When I read her message, I was incredibly relieved. Her comments were thoughtful and poignant, which was the ideal response I had hoped for. She apologized for waiting so long to write back, but I told her the timing was perfect. Out of all the days to respond to my message, she chose this one, and I appreciate how the universe has a way of making sense of things when we might not fully grasp the gravity of what we’re working through at any given time.

I tend to ruminate, which is a polite way of saying that I obsessively obsess over every fucking aspect of my life to the point of emotional paralysis, which sometimes leads to being stuck and feeling genuinely awful. I can get in my way at the best of times. So, when I saw that she responded almost a year later, I thought maybe there’s something to all of this. When I finished reading her words, it was the best-case scenario regarding how well she received what I felt I needed to say. I have since reached a point in my healing journey where I no longer need apologies from people. I think there is an idea that we need those words for our closure, but the reality is that it rarely happens in life and truly has nothing to do with our journey.

I choose to love myself where I am in this current moment, and I also choose not to be burdened by the opinions of others. Everyone has challenges they face, and unless you learn the skills to manage your pain, you can easily get caught up in what other people think and say. Firstly, my former bully who reached out to me was a child struggling with being bullied herself, and she didn’t know how to cope at the time, so I became an easy target. Most kids were making fun of me even in the middle of class, so choosing me to lash out at was not a hard sell because children and adults cope in the best way they can. The bottom line is healthy, happy, well-adjusted people don’t go out of their way to cause misery to others.

It’s been a long, drawn-out, extremely tiring process of removing myself from the equation. When people actively try to cause me harm or sully my name, it speaks only to their character and reflects who they are—not who I am. I try to remember that their opinion of me is none of my business, and it has given me immense peace knowing that. It is still shitty sometimes, but I no longer carry resentment with me. I don’t have space for it in my life. I might be hurt at that moment, but I try to acknowledge my emotions and work with them rather than try to work against what feelings I’m experiencing.

So, forgiveness is vital, or at least it has been a pivotal lesson I have learned to heal emotional wounds in my own life. I forgive easily and have learned better boundaries to reduce harm and have healthier relationships. I can forgive move on rather than blame others, and continually be a victim.

My beliefs around forgiveness stem from my interactions with the other side. The most significant distinction for me when I compare our physical reality and the spirit world is the ability to forgive. When you start believing and seeing the world as a reflection of that place, you realize how easy it is to forgive others in this reality because it’s so unconditional over there. It just doesn’t make sense to hold onto resentment in this lifetime.

It doesn’t serve any purpose to lament, obsess, fixate, and dwell on the pain that others have caused me in the past, but this is where firm boundaries are so important because it’s fantastic to forgive, but that implies that the source of the pain is either removed from the situation or is no longer creating an issue. Otherwise, it’s a wound that can’t heal, which can be challenging to realize. Especially when it’s connected to loved ones and family, but sometimes the healthiest way through it all is charting your course in life and taking solace in the notion that you stopped the cycle of trauma. That your choice to actively change your response and to fully heal is what made the difference.

None of us are perfect, and finding ways of being at peace with where you are currently is just as important as making healthy strides in your life. Loving yourself takes work, and part of that process is being gentle with who you are at every step of that journey and trusting that you’re worthy of loving the totality of you, being confident, and speaking your mind and that those aren’t luxuries afforded to people who seemingly only ever received praise in life. Trust me when I say you are sexier, funnier than most people, and smarter than you realize, and do not allow yourself to believe anyone who says otherwise. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life!!

My excessive need to apologize has been pointed out by practically anyone I have spent more than a few minutes with, hence the name of this book and title chapter. For the longest time, I had to work with the feelings surrounding why I apologize so needlessly.

I grappled with the untrue belief that I was unworthy and unwanted and felt self-conscious. While also being overly conscious of hurting others because I didn’t want to hurt anyone—ever! I knew what it was like to be broken, and I have always tried my best not to return those feelings, even when they were often dished out to me. I don’t consider myself a pushover, though, and I never want to be, but I do feel so much and have avoided interactions with others when I feel like I’m not in a good headspace to protect them if I’m feeling grumpy.

One of the primary reasons I quit drinking alcohol a few years ago was that I couldn’t control myself when I had too much to drink, and I didn’t enjoy thinking about my behaviour from the previous evening.  I chalked it up to being born with an allotted set number of drinks, and sobriety stemmed from exceeding my spiritual limit. I did find that when I drank excessively, I was effectively stealing happiness from my future self, and I was already struggling with depressive tendencies anyway, so it just felt like a natural evolution. I have a more balanced relationship with alcohol today and typically will have one or two drinks periodically. The fortunate offshoot of growing up for me is that hangovers become exceedingly less appealing as time passes.

The jokes around my need to apologize became more evident while I attended university. My friends created “The I’m Sorry Jar” since I apologized too much. Instead of a swear jar, the issue was firmly based on being too apologetic. I was the only one who put money into that thing, but I did so faithfully because I’ll admit it was excessive! Although I do tend to apologize too much, I also believe there’s great importance in recognizing when mistakes have been made.

So many societal issues stem from things not being acknowledged and being pushed under the rug or hidden behind closed doors. Everyone would be happier if we realized that others suffer too sometimes and that just because someone doesn’t talk about their struggles openly doesn’t mean it’s easy for them.

I, for one, can be too quick to judge sometimes because of past experiences that created the lens through which I view this world. I am mindful that the only things I can control are how I respond to my external world and how I reflect upon the decisions I make. Ultimately, we can only control ourselves because our perceptions shape our realities, and we must take accountability when situations arise where we are to blame so that we can thoroughly learn from our mistakes and find ways to heal and not repeat those patterns.

As annoying as it is to hear myself say I’m sorry 1000 times too many. I would prefer that to leave doubt in anyone’s mind about my misgivings. When a person is aware that they screwed up and actively try to make things better, it creates a much more conducive space for great healing.

Sometimes, I think we’re all just little children in grown-up bodies trying to make our way through life with some of the hurts we’ve picked up along the way; maybe it’s through knowing that it’s okay to let go of some of these things that have caused pain, or trusting it wasn’t our fault, or by seeing ourselves in someone else’s story that we can finally understand we’re not broken.

No one is broken. We are just under the false belief that we are. Maybe we need to find our way through it all and remember it’s okay to mourn for ourselves sometimes and imagine how things could have turned out if only things had been different or by recognizing the struggles that others face, too.

The reality is there is no easy life for anyone. Each one of us has faced struggles other people couldn’t begin to comprehend. The more people can speak candidly about the pain within their hearts and souls, the more healing they can provide to others and themselves.

In a sense, anyone reading this book who struggles in life and feels like they are misunderstood, freakish, alienated, unwanted, unlovable, unheard, weird, or uninvited feel a little bit lighter after reading this, which I hope that it helps in their path and assists in your healing so that you can walk through life a little less bogged down by worry and stress.

If you find resonance within these pages, I want to let you know that I’m sorry you’ve been carrying this burden for so long, and I wish you so much success in your life. I hope you can express yourself freely and show others the unique way you see the world. I hope that you heal those parts of yourself that you might believe can’t be recovered and that you go out and try to make someone else’s day a little bit brighter.

Sincerest Apologies from a Chronic Weirdo
By Danielle MacQuarrie

Introduction

Hi friends,

I wrote this book hoping you might appreciate things from my vantage point. That I might impart some wisdom on you and change your life in some small way, and that you will read these words, put down the book, let out an audible sigh, and realize life as you knew it would never be the same again.

Wouldn’t it be cool if that were true? How novel of me if that were the case? Although my intentions are altruistic, the reality is that I wrote this solely because this is a passion of mine, with the intention that others might appreciate it, too. I have always dreamt of writing a book, and although I never really knew how that would unfold somewhere along the line, I decided I just needed to take Nike’s advice and “Just Do It.” I wish that the stories within these pages allow you to feel something, and hopefully, the emotion stems from a good and helpful place.

I grew up reading many books as a child and loved the escapism they provided. As a kid, I remember making little books out of loose-leaf paper, hoping to see my name on the cover one day. One of the reasons I love reading so much is that you can fall away from this reality and fall into a different one and find kinship with characters you couldn’t find in your everyday world.

As my title might suggest, I have continually apologized for everything! I don’t think there’s been a single job that I have worked or a single group of friends that haven’t picked up on the fact that I, and their mind, needlessly apologize, and I thought what better way to encapsulate who I am then incorporate those words into the title of this book.

Regardless, it stems from feeling misunderstood and lacking a sense of belonging and how, at times, I felt that my mere presence alone was an offense. Regardless of how those feelings came to be I have found a way of turning negative situations into positive ones. Instead of viewing things from a victim standpoint, I turn my life lessons and my proverbial lemons into lemonade. What I have learned in life will always be part of a more significant spiritual lesson since spirituality has always been a part of my life. Finding a deeper meaning to my experiences has helped me cope with hardship and feelings of isolation.

The purpose of this book is not only to highlight notions around otherness but also about how often those emotional scars can help us evolve and assist in healing others who might relate to similar circumstances. I try my best to go through life in a way that I force myself to look for the silver lining in every situation and that I seek out the lesson in every hardship I face to transmute that pain into something that has healing properties—even if it’s just for my own sake.

That way, I can go through life and feel like I am making advancements and creating positive changes, even if the only difference I can make is my perspective on a situation because, ultimately, the only thing we can control is how we respond to situations sometimes. I feel like it’s one of the best strategies I have for navigating a world that can sometimes feel so uneasy and “unfair.”

There is so much importance in finding gratitude no matter your situation, and by proxy, this approach assists me in finding compassion for myself and others. When I choose to find moments of joy, no matter how brief, it can make my day brighter. I think there are seeds of truth in every cliché, and the adage, “life is too short,” helps remind me of the impermanence of our lives and how transient our suffering is—I prefer, “Time is Precious,” but to each their own!

This way, I can prevent myself from wallowing in self-pity since I refuse to subscribe to the belief that we are only here to suffer through life and struggle — until the end. I think it’s about choosing to find moments of joy when you can and find the time to appreciate the happy moments despite it all.

Anyway, I hope this book finds you well. I hope you’re drinking plenty of water, sleeping well at night, and eating your vegetables. Hopefully, you enjoy this book and feel better after reading it.

Sending you Love and Light,


From your Friend,

Danielle