I often use the word “weird” as a term of endearment, which can be offensive to others when I wholeheartedly see it as a positive trait to possess. I’ve always found friendship elusive and struggle to maintain relationships with people. I’ve always felt somewhat isolated and often spent time alone rather than conversing with others because I usually feel strange and misunderstood.

I will often not use the term friend when describing people out of concern or worry that they don’t see me in the same light. I don’t put myself out there very often because I’ve had situations where I’ve even asked to take pictures with people at parties, and they refused, so I don’t ask to take pictures anymore.

I consider myself to be charismatic and friendly, but friendship is a concept that I struggle with. I do have friends. I’m not saying that I don’t, but I feel like even within those entanglements, I often feel lost and struggle with why everyone else seems to be doing it the right way, and I’m just not. I feel this most acutely in rooms with women who are very heteronormative; I feel like I’m this ogre lurching in the back who wants to talk about film theory and what their favorite albums are, and what aspects of that music are so important to them and find I just don’t know how to talk to people sometimes.

I think about this a lot, and the only way I’ve reconciled this is that some people are just meant to be “losers.” We are told to stay on the periphery of what society deems as usual and become objective observers who can create pieces of art or beautiful music or write books that have an impact and can be relatable to others like us and appreciated because we see things differently and experience the world with a different set of eyes.

This helps me when I feel entirely less than and feel so vastly different from others that I start to conjure up images of Stephen King and his vast number of works. He’s created all these pieces that people appreciate and love, but maybe he’s not the most popular guy at the party. Although I could be completely wrong, and he might be a fucking blast to be around, this image of him eating pretzels alone in a crowded room is akin to a talisman I carry in my mind when I struggle socially.

It legitimately gives me peace and solace to think about maybe that’s just how it’s meant to be for me to be the person I am and to be able to see things the way I do and remind others that being visionary or creative often equates to being misunderstood, and uncool because to make changes, and to be innovative you have to take issue with the status quo and view reality as fucking bizarre to show people that maybe there are better ways of doing things sometimes.

Rather than be a person who exists in this world and be part of the world, it’s a necessity to have others who are not invited to those parties. Those with doors closed in their faces are mistreated and misunderstood because they often write the best books, create the most exciting movies, and compose wonderful music. Their words have meaning and are eventually valued by society despite those moments where they are deemed as less than or feel they are perceived as such. We survive the numerous catastrophes that make up our complicated lives through perseverance and sheer will sometimes. Still, I find the most exciting people are the ones who had their characters built up by trauma and could make a life for themselves despite weighing the world on their shoulders.

I see no point in spending time in rooms with people who don’t want me there. I don’t feel the need to prove myself or constantly try to defend who I am to those who seem hellbent on misunderstanding me. If you don’t want to be my friend, then that’s okay. I will be okay.

I don’t want to be friends with people who don’t want my friendship or pine for the love of those who will never love me back. Because at the end of the day, I’m an awesome person who’s fun to be around, and even though I may be weird, I can take solace in the fact that maybe I can envision myself standing next to Stephen King at a party or standing off to the side with my bowl of pretzels somewhere, and perhaps I can be a Talisman for someone else someday. I know the self-proclaimed “odd ones” can do good things worth remembering, and it isn’t necessary to be understood by everyone to create works that have an impact.